Feelings

So how is everybody? I am doing great and not so great which is why I have named this post feelings. I am great because I have been dieting and exerciseing my but off for the last 30 something days and its HAS payed off people! 11 lbs gone as of this morning, which brings my weight down to 234! So since november of 2011 which I was at a weight of 255 I have lost 21 lbs and how awesome is that!!
Now to explain why I don't feel so great and that is because it is still taking to long to fit into smaller cloths or even get my original cloths to fit right, I look in the mirror and still see the same old me, the scales are moving and I feel a lot better, more energy and I don't feel sick as much anymore and its a great feeling really to start running around with the kids but I can't see the weight dissapearing. I know its gonna take time and I am not going to give up but still there is always the little voice in the bakc of my head saying that I can't do this. I am praying that little voice is wrong...
So I have been watching my calorie intake and walking a lot along with the tredmill, and exercise videos and running after the kids and cleaning the house but I haven't really changed what I eat still eat terrible but slowly starting to incorperate veggies into my diet ( I absolutly hate them) also eating less take out and more homecooked meals, cutting out snacks and high calorie foods but I have been trying this for a while because of my diabetes I have to watch what I eat as well.
My biggest down fall was over eating and chips, so I have cut down on how much food I eat and that was tough, felt like I was starving all the time, bad hunger pains so to curb that I would exercise and drink water, by the way mio is great to change the tast of water and there is no calories! as well I stopped chips to once a week or less and I am so proud of my self for what I have done so far.
Eventually I shall post pics. Another thing that helps me is knowing my long term goal which is 140 and then making mini goals along the way so to keep me at this like I am 234 so now I nee 4 more lbs gone then I will be 230! I like to get myself hyped up about it. Anyway that is it for now and I shall get back to ya when I have lost another 10 - 20 lbs!

Two Weeks in...

So I estimate that I am about two weeks into my exercise and counting calories maybe even a little more but I forgot to write on my calendar the day I started exercising and I have absolutly no memory, so I have a big calendar where I write everything that me and my family of four have to do but if I don't write down stuff right away I forget.
Anyway I have lost 4 lbs!!! yup four whole lbs, may not seem a lot to other people but for me that is just the start and it is a help to keep me going. So now I shall tell ya how I have been doing this starting with my calories because I have tried to count calories before actually twice before in the last five years I have been on at least five diets that never succeded but anyway counting calories is a HUGE PAIN!!! but I found an app for my ipod called My fitness Pal (calorie and diet counter) and it is awesome!
You put in how much you weigh me: 245 and your goal wieght me :145 and then it calculates how many calories you should be eating me: 1,240 a day to get me to the huge weight I am now I was eating more like 2,000 calories a day and no exercise for a lot of different reasons btw, don't just assume that someone is lazy.
Anyway this app is awesome you put in the food you eat and it can tell you how much calories the food is, it adds the calories and you can also add in your exercise as well so for example for breakfast I had corn pops and milk 160 calories and I had a 30 min walk pushing a stroller which burned 136 calories totally awesome it helps me keep track of everything I am eating now if you have diabetes it does not help you with that but I have my diabetes under control and I know what I am suppose to eat or drink for that.
Next thing is the exercise, I dance, walk, I have a tredmill, I have exercise videos and YOUTUBE people!! They videos may only be 10 min long there are some that are almost an hour but every min of exercise counts and I also go on youtube to keep me motivated to move because there are some day I would rather sit with a nice big bag of chips then to get up and move.
But I don't , I haven't given up the chips completly but I went from every night to one night a week and I feel great...that it for now but in a couple of weeks hopefully another good update for you.

starting my new journey..

So I read that when trying to lose weight I should write it down so here it goes. I have already lost some weight since november that is till now. Last november I was weighed in my doctors office and he said I was 255 lbs! yeah thats right, still really young and short and that much weight with two small children at home and also that day I found out I have type 2 diabeties (also many other factors besides the weight led to this but anyway) so since then I have learned to control my diabetes which is still under a learning based managment because I am fairly new and I guessed you just keep learning new ways on how to control it better, but anyway since that day till january I lost 13 lbs...yay me!
It didn't last for long because I weighed myself last night and I have gained three pounds :( so now I'm only 10 lbs lighter but that is better then none..so I woke up this morning thinking I can do this although I still secretly still have a fear that I can't but I started this morning working out and I haven't gotten much done but I do what I can.
I bought a tredmill a month or so ago so to use it and loose weight but besides today I have only been on it about twice now but I am going to start at least once a day along with some work out dvd's and my regular house work and chasing two kids and now that summer is here I am hoping to lose at least 40 to 50 lbs this summer. Losing 50 lbs will bring me down to 195 lbs and I haven't been that small in almost 5 years!
I miss it, I miss being smaller and healthyer and not feeling so sick and tired all the time, I hate walking into a store and having to settle for cloths instead of buy what I want beacuse what I want only fits size 0 -2 (like seriously what is up with that, do designers think that those are the only size women in the world or something) so anyway...here I go, I shall keep you all posted and hopefully I shall start losing, wish me luck!

Are u pro-ana?

so I am watching Dr.oz today and his show is about people who are anorexic. I am sure that most people know at least the baisics of this eating disorder and its where you see yourself as fat all the time so you stop eating and exercise a lot to lose weight. I am no expert here and this is about as much as I know myself and that it kills you and that you look terrible, I am not trying to offend anybody but you look really sick when you are anorexic. Anyway I only just heard about it today but there is a whole movement on Pro-ana and this is websites that show and tell you how to be anorexic!

I am upset about this and here is why..I have a daughter and at the moment she is the most perfect baby in the world to me but what happens when she get older, a teen surfin the net and accidentally finds one of these pro-ana sites, there are pics on here of normal looking girls and saying that they are to fat! that being a healthy weight is still not perfect enough...I was called fat my entire school years and I was not then but everytime I looked in the mirror I saw fat..everywhere and now I AM FAT but I am trying to loose weight in a very healthy way so that I can be healthy for my children.

There are pictures of girls with tape or cloths across their mouths saying 'don't eat' and baisicly against eating. I understand the need and want to be thin, skinny, or at least smaller then what I am but to be sick with an eating disorder, why in the world would someone want to die and if you go through with it you are going to die in a very painful way...I have not see anything or anyone anywhere say or write that being anorexic was fun and that they were living the life they always wanted...everything I read or watch say that they are hurting and tired and scared that they are going to die.

I do not want my daughter to think this is beautiful for that matter I do not want my son to tell a girl that she is more beautiful if she is skinny I hope to teach my son that girls/women  are beautiful no matter what the size..there is just not enough I can say on this to make people realize how against this I am, I feel so sad for anybody who suffers with this eating disorder but I am not sure if I feel sad for those who are running these pro-ana sites.

There is just not much else that I can say, I hope that whoever reads this understands where I am coming from and that if you do feel like you may have an eating disorder you need support to stop it not support to keep going because no body deserves to feel terrible about themselves and nobody should feel that kind of pain.

Valintine's Day

                    So valintine's day is coming up, and when I think about it all I can think about is ugh and blah. I don't have a very romantic husband and this day out of the year just makes me realize that even more. I never had a boyfriend for this day of the year either and it is depressing to be a single girl and whatch all the other girls in school get roses and chocolates on this day from their boyfriends. At least I was not the girl who's boyfriend dumped her out of the blue on that day using a note and not even doing it face to face, yeah that happened to a friend of mine.
                    Now I put up valintine decorations for the kids and we do valintine crafts and I make heart shaped food for everybody that day just to make their day even more special because they make me feel special everyday but it would be nice to have some romance that day. But maybe one of these days my hubby will get the message but until then I will just have to keep leaving hints around the house...lol
                  

the big news...

                    Well I was suppose to let everybody know about the big news but then life got in the way and I got busy so it took a while to get here, anyway I am here now  and the news was I have diabetes. It may not be a big deal to anybody else but for someone who thought she was healthy it was pretty big news...so since my doctor told me I have been trying my best to live with this...eating healthy and exercise making sure to check my sugars on a reagular baises and there is actually alot more to having diabetes then i thought.                     Anyway since I found out that I have diabetes I have lost 13 pounds and my sugars seem under control but I have many more doctor appointments to figure out if what I am doing is right. I am highly disappointed that at such a young age this has happened to me but there were many facters that lead me up to this point and if I would have knowen how to deal with my facters better maybe I would not have ended up at this point but there are also some factors that were beyond my control so there's no point in woundering if there was something that I could have done.
                    So for now I am going to keep doing what I am doing and gettin my self  to where I need to be health wise :)

up to date...

so its been a while.

up till now my oldest has started school, we had my youngest 1st birthday and halloween. Two anniversary's in the family and thanks giving..not sure if this is in the right order now..nope cause thanks giving was before my youngest's bday..anyway...its almost christmas!!
yeah very excited for christmas here. We have had a busy couple of months with school and party's and what not but its been pretty awesome.Not much has really bugged me about anybody or anything in fact I have pretty much ok experiences being out and about with other mom's who's kids go to school with mine. Becasue of the connection i find it easier to talk to them and they talk to me even when i don't make it a point to speak. Really nice since I have really bad anxiety around people..plain and simple, I don't really like them but only because most of the people around here judge other people on silly things like wheather or not they have carrers (which I don't but being a stay at home mom is a HUGE job in itself) or the clothes you where or how much you could get you kid..etc...
Yeah I thought the cloths thing would just be a high school thing but its not. Anyway the mom's that I interact with while dropping off or waiting for my kids to get out of school are nice..not that we talk about our deepest darkest secret or anything like that but we do have chats about what the kids are doing in school or how they like school and I have come to find out that every kid in my kids class thinks he's awesome! Most of the parents let me know that their kid talks about him all that time and its always good stuff!
Makes me feel awesome as a mom to know that he is a great kid and that every one thinks he is now if only he can be that awesome at home...lol
isn't it always the way...kids are awesome when outside the home but once they get near mom and dad they become little monsters..me and my sister were like that and now my kids are like it..haha
well got big news but that will be later.